I am finding it really easy to be grumpy about Christmas this year. I am not like many of my friends who totally love the season, but I still have my romanticised image of the holidays that is so very far from what reality is.

One of my love languages is gifts, be it a homemade gift or a nice piece of jewelry. The size and price of the gift rarely matter to this heart, it is simply knowing that someone took the time to think of me in that way. I can't help but feel this sinking feeling in my heart when I think about my first Christmas with my husband, when I received nothing (he isn't into making things). Or our first anniversary, where again, we didn't even do anything together, let alone get each other gifts.

This Christmas will be a little different, only because I know he has gotten me something (he says he couldn't pass it up because it was practically free). However, my heart is still a little sad (and selfishly, I know). It is really hard for me to see other couples enjoying the season with gifts, decorations, laughter and stability, when all I feel is selfish desire for those very things. I know I am so blessed. I know I am blessed to have a child on the way, a gift that many women would rather be opening this season. I know I am blessed to have such a giving family. But still, my heart is sad and even as I write this, tears fall from my eyes. There will be no Christmas tree adorned with beautiful ornaments in my house, no hanging of Christmas lights, no tradition.

I know Christmas is about the birth of my Lord. I know that there really is no reason for all of the gift giving, but I can't help but feel society's sting. Its hard to go to store after store where people are mindlessly stocking up on expensive gifts, where the message is always the same.

I want to maintain the perspective I used to have about Christmas, which was others focused. I found it so easy to be like this when I was single. I love buying gifts from World Vision's catalog, you know...'buy a goat for a family in such and such a place.' That was all very easy AND FULFILLING to me while I was single. But now that I am married, part of me wants the romance. I want to have decorated our first Christmas tree on our first Christmas. I want to make traditions. I want to hang lights. I want to feel warm and cuddly during the season that is so cold. And I wouldn't mind an expensive, shiny gift either ;).

I don't have enough perspective to know if I am just being a whinning little baby or if some of this really should matter to me. I hope I am not coming off as the grinch because truly, in my heart of hearts, I know what the season is about. I am just finding it hard to get in the mood because society (and my own expectations) tells me that the Christmas spirit has a look and a feel that we cannot financially acheive right now.

Anyway, I just need an attitude adjustment but I am not ready. The roots of this go deep because the issue is at the very core of our marriage (i.e. not having been financially responsible). I guess my one wish this Christmas season is that I would truly know that I have been given the greatest gift of all...He may not be sitting under a Christmas tree but He is greater than anything that ever could.