Well, hello little blog of mine.  I've missed you.  And yet, I really haven't missed you that badly.  Mostly I've missed the relief I often feel when I pour out my heart and push publish.  It is almost a more concrete way way to offer up my struggles and to let go than to simply say it out loud or to silently struggle.  But, honestly little blog, I just haven't had the energy.

So, little blog, here is where I am at...

There is a part of me that feels so safe, so thankful that the valley we are going through isn't as hard as some are going through.  I have two separate friends who have family members recently diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.  One is getting married in the fall and her Daddy has throat cancer.  The other is one of the dearest families I know and Grandma has decided not to receive treatment for the cancer cells taking her life slowly.  I have friends who are years into fertility treatments, praying with EVERY little ounce of energy they have that God would hear their desperate cries and bless them with children!  Oh, how blessed I am.

And yet, my heart yearns for permission to break. I am so afraid that if people see me falling apart and broken, that I will be judged.  What we are going through is life changing for sure but, at least for now and by God's Grace, we have two beautiful and otherwise healthy children.  But I am scared.  I am afraid that Elias will have seizures the rest of his life; that it will impact his life, especially when it comes to doing the kinds of things kids find fun and fulfilling (sports, swimming, etc).  And I am afraid that people who are struggling with much deeper issues will see my lack of faith and will rightfully judge me.

And yet, I have been offered the most wonderful piece of love a friend could have given me right now.  I was falling apart at church this last Sunday.  A friend of mine (who was a missionary in Africa and has gone through all that you could imagine one would go through while living in Africa) followed me into the bathroom  where I went to cry and totally blessed me.  This is a woman who has been through so many hard things; who has followed God's calling and has suffered dearly for it.  She told me that I have permission to hurt.  She told me that the gift of suffering is that once you suffer dearly, you have so much more mercy for those suffering.  She told me that the gift of suffering is that you can understand what someone is going through instead of just have sympathy. She cried with me and she freed me from my guilt.  She lifted a weight off of my shoulders that has been there for years.  She gave me permission to feel, which in turn gave me permission to say to God that I don't understand, that I am hurt but that I give it all back for His Glory.

What an amazingly compassionate, discerning person she is.

So, dear blog, I am afraid.  I am weary.  I am tired.  But God will give me rest.  It is well with my soul.

I am baffled with how to approach this post.  I have such a desire to share the eloquent and well thought out words that my heart desires to give voice but my mind is so very tired.  The last several weeks have left me feeling both incredibly blessed and incredibly insecure and hurt.

I feel like our little family of four is finally figuring it out.  Elias is figuring out what being a big brother means and is actually sharing with his sister (even if it is just to divert her attention from what he really doesn't want her to have).  I am starting to figure out how to manage all of this (most days) with a smile on my face and joy in my heart.

But I am also full of worry.  I am worried about the uncertainty of whether or not the family I've nannied for since before Elias was born will need me anymore after having a second baby.  I am frustrated and worried that I have not found a family to care for in the meantime.  I have set up 3 interviews; one of which was not a good fit, the other was a no call no show (who does that?!!) and the third had to cancel.  I want to trust in God's provision but I just don't see it.  I don't see how this is going to work.  Me working is not optional, unless having a food budget is optional...

I am scared because for the very first time, I've had to watch as one of my children suffered while I was unable to do anything for him.  Elias had a unprovoked seizure two weeks ago.  I had to watch as my son's body failed him and it was hard.  I feel so blessed that our children are both healthy and always have been.  I feel so blessed that I am not one of the thousands of mothers who visit the same hospital we will be going to watching my child suffer and/or die.  And I am not worried about going through the process of figuring this out.

I suppose I am grateful that God has blessed me with the opportunity to only surrender little bits of control at a time.  I let a little bit go when Elias learned to crawl.  I surrendered a little more when he began to walk and a little more as he learned to run.  But this is still hard.  I am oddly at peace with the situation and look forward to learning from this experience and understanding his condition better.

I refuse to surrender to negative thinking but I do have to face the reality that something major really could be wrong with the little boy who holds my heart.  And I need to come to a place in my heart where I can say, in spite of anything, "it is well with my soul."

I so deeply desire peace and feel called to have peace now more than I have ever in my life...and for right now, I have it.  But some days, it feels like chaos is just under the surface.  They say:

When it rains, it pours.

But I hope my response is, we need the rain anyway.

I had to split this letter into two because of a certain little lady's short nap but I wanted to complete the birthday letter to Elias by writing a little about Elias at this stage.

Elias,

You are such a silly little toddler.  You LOVE music and story time.  You are constantly asking me to sing The Wheels on the Bus, which is probably your absolute favorite song right now.  You love doing all of the motions to each song.  You continue to love to dance but won't do it on command like you used to.  You also love movies and TV.  Your favorite shows are Go Diego Go, Curious George and Thomas the Train.  You enjoy watching movies, though we do try to limit how much time you get to watch TV/movies.

You still don't say many words, though you have made significant strides in the last few weeks.  You started Speech Therapy a few weeks ago.  Ms. Kyle comes to our house every Friday morning to help teach us new signs we can use and techniques to help you make more sounds.

You currently sign: Daddy, drink, eat/food, want, please, thank you, milk, cracker, frog, pig, up, down, paint/color, book, music, potty...

You say (most of these only I can understand): Daddy, mommy (nanni), grandpa/grandma (its all one word), outside, box (sandbox), underwear, baby, bumbo (chair)...you usually imitate any B sound.

Our friend, Caleb, is potty training.  You got really excited about his big boy undies, so we bought you some of your own.  If we set you on the potty, you are likely to go, though you don't often tell us when you need to.  You still will not poop on the potty and I don't expect that you have any interest in doing so in the near future. We give you a fruit snack every time you go potty.  We are so proud of the progress you have made.  You can usually make it through nap time dry.  And you only go once at night, saving most of your potty for the morning!

You continue to love food.  You especially love Mexican and Greek food, just like Daddy- tamales and falafel being your favorites.

You absolutely LOVE your sister.  Your first word in the morning is Daddy but once I tell you that he has left for work, you immediately ask for your sister (with a LOUD "BABY!!!")

I think that is most of what I wanted to say but I am slightly distracted by the little man!

My Sweet Little Critter-Elias,

Two years ago today, I held you in my arms for the very first time.  I looked into your sweet face and you captured my heart forever.  Those first few months rocked my world.  At first. we struggled to find a rhythm that kept both of us happy {we might *STILL* be looking for that rhythm!}.  But in that, you and I have always had a special bond, something I hope will last a life time.  

The last two years have been filled with laughter, tears, tantrums {from both of us}, diapers, hugs, kisses and moments.  So many moments...so many forgotten moments.  I wish I could soak up all of those beautiful moments and write them on my heart forever.  You have changed me in so many ways.  I am so thankful for all of the moments where you stretched me; where you made me come face to face with who I really am and just how much I need God's Grace in my life.

I look at your beautiful {handsome} little toddler face and I am scared.  I am afraid of all of the challenges that life will hold for you.  I wish I could protect you in my arms forever; that I could always heal the pains of life with a gentle kiss and a warm hug.  I am afraid of the struggles and sins that will tempt you.

I pray diligently that you would come to an early understanding of  God's Perfect and Holy Gospel.  I pray this not so that you will live a safe life (just because I might be a little more comfortable with you being out of danger) but so that your heart will always belong to our Father!  And that you might be protected from some of the temptations you will surely face in this fast paced world.  I pray that your life will be marked by intimacy with God.  That you will ever long for more of Christ Jesus.

I pray that you will grow in grace, love, honesty, integrity, self control and have a love for God's Word.  I pray that you will love Justice, as God does.  I pray that you will be merciful and respectful.

I pray that you will develop a strong self-esteem that is rooted in the realization that you are God's workmanship, created in Jesus Christ.

I pray for courage, purity {oh, how I pray for purity!!!}, kindness, generosity, preace-loving, joy, perseverance, humility, compassion, responsibility, contentment, faith, a servant's heart, hope, self-discipline, gratitude, prayerfulness and a passion for God.  

I also pray that God would make us effective parents.

I love you more than life itself, Elias.  Happy Birthday.  May the coming year bring you much joy, love and laughter.

I found this recipe online but adapted it because we are not gluten/dairy intolerant.  I wanted to share it because it is healthy and so easy.  Elias LOVES it!

• 1/2 banana
• 5 tablespoons whole wheat flour
• 1 tablespoon vital wheat gluten
• 3 tablespoons protein powder
• 1 teaspoon cinnamon
• 1 tablespoon ground flax meal
• 4-8 tablespoon milk (any kind will work!)

1. Mash the banana until egg-like.
2. Add in all other dry ingredients and stir together.
3. Mix in the milk, starting with 4T, and adding more until just a soft but thick batter is formed.
4. Grease a small microwave safe dish with butter/coconut oil/cooking spray.
5. Spoon in the dough [which should be like a very thick muffin batter] and spread evenly.
6. Microwave on high for 2-3min, until the center is set.  If cooked long enough, the texture will not be at all gummy.
7. Release from the dish with a fork.

Elias,

You became a big brother this month!  You love your little sister, Selah.  It is SO fun to watch you interact with her.  You are full of hugs and kisses for her.

There are not too many new things about you this month.  One of the biggest changes have been your involvement in activities.  You now do all of the actions to the songs at story time including "Wheels on the Bus," "If you're happy and you know it," and on and on.  You LOVE to read and are getting much better at sitting for longer books.  You like Dr. Seuss and other books that rhyme.


You love "talking" about the moon, cars, trains.  You are a curious toddler and I can't wait to hear all of the words you will use when you FINALLY start talking, which is hopefully soon.

Elias, I love you so much!

Mommy

My little Critter,
This month you won't be my baby anymore!  It makes me so sad (though I really am excited to meet your little sibling)!  You are 18 months old and I can't believe it!

You are such a little boy these days.  You like to ride your little car around while watching the neighborhood kid's riding their bikes.  You LOVE music and enjoy going to worship team with your Dad.  You've really liked to run around in the basement this month, going in circles around the bookcases and being chased.  You also like your sandbox.

You still don't say many words but you are chatting a lot more.  You say vacuum, light, Dad, Mom and something like "grand-a" which means grandpa or grandma.  You still rely mostly on the signs that you know.


Your favorite foods this month have been granola, oatmeal, egg and cheese on toast and milk.  You continue to be a picky eater. 


We left you for the very first time this month.  You had a great time with Grandma and Grandpa.  In fact, when we got home, that night as I tried to put you to bed you just cried and cried saying "grand-a."  The next day at nap time, you woke up and when I came into the room, you excitedly said "grand-a," noticed it was me and said, "Oh."

You are TOO funny.  I love your personality.  You are becoming more of a cuddle bug and we love it!
We can't wait to see what kind of big brother you are going to be.

Mommy

A few of your favorite things:
Books
Caleb
Cookies
Walking
Car Keys
Running
Outside
Daddy
Doing anything yourself

Making "muscles" (it looks like you are pooping)

New words:
Grandma
Vacuum
hot

You Hate:
Brushing your teeth
Washing your hair