Well, hello little blog of mine.  I've missed you.  And yet, I really haven't missed you that badly.  Mostly I've missed the relief I often feel when I pour out my heart and push publish.  It is almost a more concrete way way to offer up my struggles and to let go than to simply say it out loud or to silently struggle.  But, honestly little blog, I just haven't had the energy.

So, little blog, here is where I am at...

There is a part of me that feels so safe, so thankful that the valley we are going through isn't as hard as some are going through.  I have two separate friends who have family members recently diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.  One is getting married in the fall and her Daddy has throat cancer.  The other is one of the dearest families I know and Grandma has decided not to receive treatment for the cancer cells taking her life slowly.  I have friends who are years into fertility treatments, praying with EVERY little ounce of energy they have that God would hear their desperate cries and bless them with children!  Oh, how blessed I am.

And yet, my heart yearns for permission to break. I am so afraid that if people see me falling apart and broken, that I will be judged.  What we are going through is life changing for sure but, at least for now and by God's Grace, we have two beautiful and otherwise healthy children.  But I am scared.  I am afraid that Elias will have seizures the rest of his life; that it will impact his life, especially when it comes to doing the kinds of things kids find fun and fulfilling (sports, swimming, etc).  And I am afraid that people who are struggling with much deeper issues will see my lack of faith and will rightfully judge me.

And yet, I have been offered the most wonderful piece of love a friend could have given me right now.  I was falling apart at church this last Sunday.  A friend of mine (who was a missionary in Africa and has gone through all that you could imagine one would go through while living in Africa) followed me into the bathroom  where I went to cry and totally blessed me.  This is a woman who has been through so many hard things; who has followed God's calling and has suffered dearly for it.  She told me that I have permission to hurt.  She told me that the gift of suffering is that once you suffer dearly, you have so much more mercy for those suffering.  She told me that the gift of suffering is that you can understand what someone is going through instead of just have sympathy. She cried with me and she freed me from my guilt.  She lifted a weight off of my shoulders that has been there for years.  She gave me permission to feel, which in turn gave me permission to say to God that I don't understand, that I am hurt but that I give it all back for His Glory.

What an amazingly compassionate, discerning person she is.

So, dear blog, I am afraid.  I am weary.  I am tired.  But God will give me rest.  It is well with my soul.

I am baffled with how to approach this post.  I have such a desire to share the eloquent and well thought out words that my heart desires to give voice but my mind is so very tired.  The last several weeks have left me feeling both incredibly blessed and incredibly insecure and hurt.

I feel like our little family of four is finally figuring it out.  Elias is figuring out what being a big brother means and is actually sharing with his sister (even if it is just to divert her attention from what he really doesn't want her to have).  I am starting to figure out how to manage all of this (most days) with a smile on my face and joy in my heart.

But I am also full of worry.  I am worried about the uncertainty of whether or not the family I've nannied for since before Elias was born will need me anymore after having a second baby.  I am frustrated and worried that I have not found a family to care for in the meantime.  I have set up 3 interviews; one of which was not a good fit, the other was a no call no show (who does that?!!) and the third had to cancel.  I want to trust in God's provision but I just don't see it.  I don't see how this is going to work.  Me working is not optional, unless having a food budget is optional...

I am scared because for the very first time, I've had to watch as one of my children suffered while I was unable to do anything for him.  Elias had a unprovoked seizure two weeks ago.  I had to watch as my son's body failed him and it was hard.  I feel so blessed that our children are both healthy and always have been.  I feel so blessed that I am not one of the thousands of mothers who visit the same hospital we will be going to watching my child suffer and/or die.  And I am not worried about going through the process of figuring this out.

I suppose I am grateful that God has blessed me with the opportunity to only surrender little bits of control at a time.  I let a little bit go when Elias learned to crawl.  I surrendered a little more when he began to walk and a little more as he learned to run.  But this is still hard.  I am oddly at peace with the situation and look forward to learning from this experience and understanding his condition better.

I refuse to surrender to negative thinking but I do have to face the reality that something major really could be wrong with the little boy who holds my heart.  And I need to come to a place in my heart where I can say, in spite of anything, "it is well with my soul."

I so deeply desire peace and feel called to have peace now more than I have ever in my life...and for right now, I have it.  But some days, it feels like chaos is just under the surface.  They say:

When it rains, it pours.

But I hope my response is, we need the rain anyway.

We decided that if we were not going to go camping, we wanted to hit up a few areas around Loveland that we do not spend a lot of time in.  One of the places both Brian and I want to get to know a little better is the Indian Peaks Wilderness area.  We always admire the peaks from Estes Park and thought it might be a fun way to spend one day.

Unfortunately, the information we found online was incorrect.  We drove all the way there only to discover that the road leading to the trail head was closed.  We were able to find a trail to hike called Sourdough.

After a quick picnic lunch that was a total and laughable disaster (children screaming, dogs pooping, food dropped, rain), we started out on the trail.  Elias had a complete meltdown and was obviously very tired but didn't want to sit in the carrier.  So I decided to try hiking with him attached to my front, thinking it might calm him down a little.  He fell asleep fairly quickly, which meant I had to hike downhill with him that way (which isn't easy).    The trail was down hill and lead to a beautiful river.  There must have been a storm recently because there were several trees laying over the path.  It was slightly amusing trying to climb over trees while keeping Elias asleep and not falling on my face.


Once we got to the bottom, Elias woke up.  We didn't stay there long.  Elias enjoyed the hike back up and did most of it himself.

Day 3 of our stay-cation was super fun.
We decided to meet up with Brian's parents after church to go to Estes Park and hike.  We had a picnic at one of our favorite picnic areas on the way up.

Then we hiked up to Fern Falls. 

Day 2 of our stay-cation was super relaxed and fun.

We slept in as late as our 2 littles would let us.  Then we made waffles, as is tradition. 

Then we picked up Ultra Grandma (what we call Elias' great grandma) and took her to the Swetsville Zoo.  This isn't an animal zoo but a local art exhibit of sorts that features dinosaurs and the such welded from old car parts and other metal objects.  It is fairly small but free and fun.

What a fun way to spend a Saturday.

Brian, my husband, had some unused vacation/personal days that he needed to use up before the end of the fiscal year at work.  Unfortunately, because of some constraints with his new position at work and training his replacement for his old job, we didn't have much time to work in a whole weeks worth of time.  I wasn't able to request the time off of work because it was such short notice.

So instead of going somewhere, even though we would both love to, we decided to just hang out around here. I had high hopes of camping for two nights but the hubs isn't into camping and it was all very last minute.  So, instead of making my husband's week off more stressful with trying to fit in something he doesn't even like to do, we decided to make the best of the mountains and free stuff around here.

On Friday, Brian only had to work a half day, so the kids and I tagged along.  We dropped him off at work at went to a hiking trail near his work called Green Mountain.

Then we got hopelessly lost drove around until we found Red Rocks.

My husband and I spent the better part of our first 2 years of marriage struggling to find married friends.  We are involved in a group at our church for young couples but had a very difficult time establishing ourselves and connecting with other couples in the group.  This isn't anyone's fault; life is busy, especially for young couples.

We've always had a friendship with a particular couple in the group, Andrew and Rachel.  But the last two years have been really fruitful.  Brian and I have come to love them.  They are such awesome people and I am always so amazed that they actually like spending time with us :)

Well, anyway, we were blessed to spend Memorial Day with their little family.  We dropped Elias off with my mom so that he could have some time with his VERY busy Grandma.  We then met up with Andrew and Rachel at their house to transfer all of our gear into their car.

They graciously drove us up to the mountains for a picnic...it was WONDERFUL!

 We are so blessed to call them friends.  How awesome to share life with people like them!

Since deciding to rename the blog, I've been searching through old posts to find and delete any information I no longer wish to share.  And in the process, I've been both encouraged and disheartened to read what I've posted in the past.

I am encouraged because I am so much healthier emotionally than I was even just a year ago.  I am sad to recall just how lonely I was and how much sorrow filled my heart.  My Father God really has brought me out of who I once was.  I am SO thankful for His Grace and Love through it all.

Some things I've learned while reflecting back:

• I need people in my life.  I need people in my life who will tell me what is really going on in their lives.  I need this because, when it's not there, I can too easily slip into a very dark and lonely place.  One of the gifts that God gave me was a heart that feels others' every emotion; a heart that LONGS to share in both the joy and the sorrow of others' lives.  I love my gift of mercy.  I feel alive when I have this type of relationship with other woman.  (Let me clarify: Please don't read that as "I get joy from hearing other people's sorrow."  Its not like that). When I am not able to celebrate and/or morn with those I love, I feel isolated and alone.

• From that, I've learned that I need to actively seek out friendships.  Again, not because I just want people to fill this need in my life.  But because I want to have healthy friendships and a major side benefit is that I will be able to use the gifts that God gave me, which in turn makes me a healthier person emotionally and, thus, a better friend.  The last several years, I have avoided actively seeking these friendships because I was too insecure in who I was.  My insecurities have shackled me into a heart of selfishness and sorrow.  I want and need to be free in Christ from my insecurity.  Otherwise, I will just be swallowed up by my fears and sorrows again.  And when my insecurities come, as they will, I will choose to speak truth into my own life.   I will choose to hear the truth of the Holy Spirit.  Every time I hear the words, "you are worthless just like you've always thought you are**," I will choose to not just ignore it but to call its bluff.  And I will choose to fight for my friendships, even if I feel like I am worthless to those I love.

• I've learned that I place too much pressure on my husband to meet all of my emotional needs.  As I stated, I need people in my life.  I've placed my husband in a very difficult position by asking him to be my everything.  It is not fair to ask him to be my only adult conversation.  

...I hope I am not rambling.

Anyway...

I am sure that I could keep going but I have other duties to attend to...mainly a little boy with some piggy toes that haven't been counted in awhile.  Maybe I'll post again after I reflect a little more.

Thank you to all of my friends who stuck it out with me.  Thank you to everyone who prayed for me; thank you to everyone who read and commented on those blogs.  You are each a gift to my heart from God.

**Our couple's group is doing a Beth Moore study on insecurity and I can pretty much identify the roots of all of my insecurity.  I won't go into the details of the WHY but the root of all of my insecurity is that I want to be valuable to those I love.  I am afraid that I will someday be proven worthless, just as my heart has always feared.  What a sad thing, but at least I know what it is now!

I found this quotes on http://superchikk.blogspot.com/.

Wow…I needed that.  Thought other moms might find some inspiration in these wise words.

Brian and I went to yellowstone this last weekend for our 3rd anniversary.  When family members found out we were planning to camp, many asked if I was crazy...I am 36 weeks pregnant after all.  This was the perfect time for us to go and I wasn't going to let the discomfort of pregnancy get in the way!  Elias is no longer nursing and we'll have an 11 month old next year...who knows when our next chance would have been. 

We left Saturday morning after dropping off the dogs and Elias at my mother's house. We arrived at about 6 or so that evening, driving up through Casper to Cody and finally to the east entrance of the park. We camped at Bridge Bay the first evening.

The following day, we toured the north side of Yellowstone including Tower Falls, the Grand Canyon in Yellowstone and Mammoth Springs.  That night we stayed at Maddison camp grounds.  This camp ground was much less private and we decided we'd stay at Bridge Bay, if possible, the next time we decided to go to yellowstone.

We had a picnic lunch and some bison came near our table.  Brian is generally uncomfortbale with wild life and began packing up the car.  It was a good thing too.  I decided to pack up too and not a moment too soon.  Mr. bison decided to visit our table about 30 seconds after we had vacated it.  It was a nice itching post.  Not 1 minute later and he made his way to our car.  It was SOOO FUNNY!!!



We had plans to camp in Grant Village the following night but it didn't take us as long as expected to visit Old Faithful and the surrounding area.  We ate an anniversary lunch at Old Faithful Inn and it was HORRIBLE!  I am so glad I am married to a man who is willing to just laugh it off with me.  It was such a waste of money.  Both of us wished we had just had our picnic lunch instead. 

After lunch, we decided to make our way south into Grand Teton National Park.  It was SOOO beautiful there.  Pictures cannot do it justice.


We ate dinner that night in Jacksonhole with a childhood friend of Brian's, even though it was our anniversary.  It was a blast to get to know Chris a little better.  We had planned to stay at a camp ground in the Grand Teton National Park but it was completely full.  So, at about 10:00 at night we made the decision to drive down the road and see what we could find.  If you know us, this is very unlike us.  We found a campground, set up camp and stayed up a little to look at the stairs.  It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.  I hate to admit that I was in a sour mood because I was tired, had horrible indigestion from eating SOOO late and was just grumpy.  So, instead of enjoying the sound of the babbling creek and the view, I crashed.  I woke up at 3:30 a.m. and Brian stired too.  We decided to get a head start, took down camp and starting driving home.

This trip, even though it was 4 short days, was the longest trip Brian and I have ever been on alone, including our honeymoon (which was 3 days).  It was a much needed break and I am so happy that we did it.  We talked about how afraid we both are to be parents again, looked back on the last three years of marriage, laughed, worked on communicating better.  We listened to a book called the Historian on CD.  It was a great trip but I'll admit....

I sure was ready to see this face again!



When did he become a little boy?!! 

I know this post is a little dull but I only have a few minutes and wanted to write down the facts before I forgot them all!  Maybe I'll post about it again!

The last few months have been a few good steps forward in my journey to Joy.  I've seen subtle changes in how I react to Elias during less than ideal circumstances and I have been truly blessed by these seemingly small changes.  Being joyful is still a choice for me...I often find myself breathing the anger away, telling myself that it isn't worth being mad about.  BUT I am able to see my anger for what it is when it hits and that is a huge difference.  I cannot wait for the day when joy and thanksgiving come to me naturally because of the work the Holy Spirit is continually doing on my heart...when I don't have to battle my anger.

But over the last week or two, the Holy Spirit has been gently showing me my tendency towards jealousy and how it is robbing me of my ability to experience the Joy in my life I so desperately desire. 

I often tell my friends that I am jealous of something.  For example, "I am so jealous that you have a good friend you talk to often."  I'd like to make a clear distinction here- when I say this, what I really am trying to say is that, "I am so happy for you and the blessing of a great friend that you have.  Maybe someday God will choose to bless me with someone in my life like that."  My struggles with jealousy go so much deeper than these types of things, though they can manifest themselves in that way as well. 

I've been able to identify a few of the roots of my jealousy:

Personal insecurity- I am often very jealous of other peoples talents and capabilities or the fact that others know their gifts of the spirit and have been blessed with a passion that they have been able to identify.  In fact, I can't even name a talent  that I feel like I have or something that I am passionate about that is of any consequence.  This type of jealousy has blindsided me from seeing how I could possibly be of any use to anyone other than my husband and children, including to God.  It makes me feel like I could disappear and it wouldn't change anything. I am afraid of being useless.

Deception-I think there are a lot of lies that I believe about myself...ie that I am not worth anything to anyone.  I also fall into the trap of believing that everyone else has this marvelous life that God just handed them; that God just GAVE them their gifts without personal struggles and that their passions just came naturally.

Covetousness - I get discouraged when I look at my life and see only the daily grind and I start to compare that to how other people live.  This person owns a home, this person doesn't have to worry about how they are going to pay for their groceries, this person has a job that pays enough...and on and on.
I think personal insecurity is the largest of all of my struggles. 

I found this verse to be very powerful:
This is what the Lord says -- your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: "I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river, your righteousness like the waves of the sea (Isaiah 48:17-18).

...If only I had paid attention to God's commands, my peace would have been like a river.  Wow...ouch...

My heart has so far to go.  It is discouraging some days.  I often cry out to God and ask Him to just give me all of the answers RIGHT NOW.  But I think He knows me best and knows my heart isn't ready.  So I am doing my best to wait on the Lord...to relinquish control and be content to find identity and joy in being his daughter.  I am working to give up my desire to have a talent and a passion and boy is it HARD!

My mother-in-law gave me a little house warming present when we moved into our new rental. It has the following quote on it:


“The more you praise and celebrate your life…the more in life there is to celebrate.”

That couldn’t be more appropriate! If you read my last blog post, you know that I am actively seeking to find meaning and purpose in my daily life.  (If you have not read it, I'd encourage you to).  I am seeking to THRIVE and to find passion in simply living out my life for Christ.

It is such a blessing to have this quote displayed in my living room. It affords me the opportunity to check my attitude before I leave for work or as I sit with Elias in the living room.

Joy is infectious. Have you ever been around someone who is truly joyful? I am not talking about someone who is fake and who won’t admit when things are hard. But there are those who are uniquely optimistic about life and who can see good in anything. I want to be that woman. I have a dear friend who, through the transforming Christ has done in her heart over the years, embodies joy. I love being around her. I love seeing her smile and knowing that that smile is from deep in her heart. I desire that for myself. Brian and I often comment together that this friend is one of the most beautiful women we know and it has everything to do with how love and depth seem to radiate from within her. She is a site to behold.

Since my thoughts have been directed to the positive, albeit by force of will, I have seen such a difference in how I handle things. I am more patient with Elias, though it is still a major struggle and I have to constantly die to my long time friend, Anger. I have to continually tell myself that anger is not an appropriate first response when he is crying or won’t sleep. Maybe someday, it will come naturally, but for now, it is a choice I must make.

I feel as though I need to caution myself against allowing this to be temporary, as it probably at least somewhat correlates to the changing season. Spring always brings about more joy in my life, as with the hopes of an adventurous summer. But I want to commit to making that joy everlasting. I am looking for a practical study on joy (any suggestions are welcome).

Please be praying for me.

I love each one of you and am thankful for your friendship and love.

I read a quote today that both inspired and troubled me.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” –Mary Oliver

At my very core, I could feel both excitement and regret stir. Excitement for all the possibilities; regret for all the missed opportunities and wasted time. Above all, this quote inspired in me a desire to find something I can be good at and a desire to pursue it wholeheartedly. I’ve tried my hand at many things, ranging from piano to blog designing. I’ve yet to find one passion that evokes that sense of purpose in life. I have not found my niche, my slice of being.

I have so many talented friends. Tara is awesome with a sewing machine. While she isn’t playing O.T. or mommy, she runs a small business making fun winter hats. And then there is Jenn. She is so creative. She helps others express themselves through personalized blog designs…not to mention her personal blog promises to challenge you and to make you smile. My friend Becky is not only the nicest person you could ever hope to meet, she is also one of the most talented photographers.

I know teachers, bakers, singers…the list is endless. Though I do not know if these women feel they have found purpose in these things, I envy them. I envy that they know themselves enough to find a passion and have made something of it.

I feel stuck in a day to day monotony of my own creating. I once was a very successful student. It was my one and only identity, my one true passion and I was darn good at it. Unfortunately, life has not afforded me the luxury of being a perpetual student; nor would I have wanted that. It’s time to move on. Time to dream a different dream. Time to find new meaning in life than a 4.0 and graduating cum laude. I’ve lived that. It’s time to move on.

I do have passions but I can’t seem to make them into anything. I am not just speaking financially, though that would be nice. I find that I have many things that I am ok at, but nothing I am good or great at. Or, I know a lot about things that are not necessarily useful to others. For example, I really like cloth diapering. But what can I do with that? I suppose I could write about it (though I lack talent in that area) or advocate for it. But is there local interest in “how to cloth diaper” classes? Is there a need?

I also enjoy making announcements. But the market is saturated. So many work at home moms, whose creative genius puts mine to shame, jumped on that bandwagon years ago!

I cannot sing, act, dance, build, cook (well), sew or write. I was not created for these things. My Maker had a different goal- one I am still seeking to find, fulfill and understand. I am optimistic and am encouraged that, although I wish I had a “talent,” God’s work in me is not complete. I am not looking for anything cosmic…I am no Esther, Mary or Beth Moore. But I know that God has more for me than this- even if it is as simple as learning that this really is it and making more of it than I have been.

Over the years, in my quest to find an identity, I’ve lost sight of some things I know without a doubt I was created for.

To Exalt Jesus
To Edify the Church
To Share the good news

I was created to know God; to seek after Him in all things. I was created to praise and glorify Him even when I am cleaning up the 5th poopy diaper of the day or getting up for the 6th time at night for the 11th straight month in a row. God has blessed me with a son and a job as a nanny and all I’ve done is survived. I want to THRIVE. I want to make everyday things a chance to bring Elias and C closer to knowing God. Instead, I’ve been angry and bitter. I want to wipe noses to God’s glory!

As for edifying the Bride, I have no place or purpose. Though my mind is constantly on the broken, hurting and forgotten, my actions have shown nothing. I have no fruit. I am not living fully in the heart that God gave me because I am self seeking. I want to live fully in the heart for others that Jesus blessed me with. I want to love others deeply. I want to edify the body; even if it means that I am the ingrown pinky toenail of the left foot. I want a purpose there but I lack direction.

In all of this, I want to find beauty, adventure and purpose in the day to day. Yes, my heart longs for a passion; a talent. And maybe someday I’ll find one. But for now:

Lord, give me purpose and a passion in and for You. Let my life song sing to You. Give me joy in all things. Let me live fully in Your service while loving deeply. Help me to find beauty and meaning by daily living for You! Help my heart be content in the day to day adventures. Help me to find a passion that I can use to bless others as well as have fun. Help me to live this wild and precious life for You!