Since deciding to rename the blog, I've been searching through old posts to find and delete any information I no longer wish to share.  And in the process, I've been both encouraged and disheartened to read what I've posted in the past.

I am encouraged because I am so much healthier emotionally than I was even just a year ago.  I am sad to recall just how lonely I was and how much sorrow filled my heart.  My Father God really has brought me out of who I once was.  I am SO thankful for His Grace and Love through it all.

Some things I've learned while reflecting back:

• I need people in my life.  I need people in my life who will tell me what is really going on in their lives.  I need this because, when it's not there, I can too easily slip into a very dark and lonely place.  One of the gifts that God gave me was a heart that feels others' every emotion; a heart that LONGS to share in both the joy and the sorrow of others' lives.  I love my gift of mercy.  I feel alive when I have this type of relationship with other woman.  (Let me clarify: Please don't read that as "I get joy from hearing other people's sorrow."  Its not like that). When I am not able to celebrate and/or morn with those I love, I feel isolated and alone.

• From that, I've learned that I need to actively seek out friendships.  Again, not because I just want people to fill this need in my life.  But because I want to have healthy friendships and a major side benefit is that I will be able to use the gifts that God gave me, which in turn makes me a healthier person emotionally and, thus, a better friend.  The last several years, I have avoided actively seeking these friendships because I was too insecure in who I was.  My insecurities have shackled me into a heart of selfishness and sorrow.  I want and need to be free in Christ from my insecurity.  Otherwise, I will just be swallowed up by my fears and sorrows again.  And when my insecurities come, as they will, I will choose to speak truth into my own life.   I will choose to hear the truth of the Holy Spirit.  Every time I hear the words, "you are worthless just like you've always thought you are**," I will choose to not just ignore it but to call its bluff.  And I will choose to fight for my friendships, even if I feel like I am worthless to those I love.

• I've learned that I place too much pressure on my husband to meet all of my emotional needs.  As I stated, I need people in my life.  I've placed my husband in a very difficult position by asking him to be my everything.  It is not fair to ask him to be my only adult conversation.  

...I hope I am not rambling.

Anyway...

I am sure that I could keep going but I have other duties to attend to...mainly a little boy with some piggy toes that haven't been counted in awhile.  Maybe I'll post again after I reflect a little more.

Thank you to all of my friends who stuck it out with me.  Thank you to everyone who prayed for me; thank you to everyone who read and commented on those blogs.  You are each a gift to my heart from God.

**Our couple's group is doing a Beth Moore study on insecurity and I can pretty much identify the roots of all of my insecurity.  I won't go into the details of the WHY but the root of all of my insecurity is that I want to be valuable to those I love.  I am afraid that I will someday be proven worthless, just as my heart has always feared.  What a sad thing, but at least I know what it is now!

Welp, I'm 39 weeks pregnant and I'll be honest...my netflix has been on WAY TOO MUCH these days.  I am embarrassed.  I always *knew* I'd be the mom who never let my child watch TV.  Enter in an 18 month old and full term pregnancy.  Lately we've been watching these totally awesome shows:

Oh dear.  I'd love to be the mom who has all the energy in the world, taking Elias to the park instead of wasting an hour a day on TV but I just don't have it anymore. AND I HATE IT!  I need some toddler activity ideas for 18 month olds.  Every toddler list I've seen is meant for children who are at least 2 and can handle a little more structure...which is something Elias just doesn't do...at all. 

He loves to play in water outside but its a little chilly for that.  He likes walks, which we take when I am feeling especially fit and flexible! HA!  And finger painting hasn't been his idea of fun...yet! But otherwise, I don't have many ideas.

Any suggestions momma's?!

The last few months have been a few good steps forward in my journey to Joy.  I've seen subtle changes in how I react to Elias during less than ideal circumstances and I have been truly blessed by these seemingly small changes.  Being joyful is still a choice for me...I often find myself breathing the anger away, telling myself that it isn't worth being mad about.  BUT I am able to see my anger for what it is when it hits and that is a huge difference.  I cannot wait for the day when joy and thanksgiving come to me naturally because of the work the Holy Spirit is continually doing on my heart...when I don't have to battle my anger.

But over the last week or two, the Holy Spirit has been gently showing me my tendency towards jealousy and how it is robbing me of my ability to experience the Joy in my life I so desperately desire. 

I often tell my friends that I am jealous of something.  For example, "I am so jealous that you have a good friend you talk to often."  I'd like to make a clear distinction here- when I say this, what I really am trying to say is that, "I am so happy for you and the blessing of a great friend that you have.  Maybe someday God will choose to bless me with someone in my life like that."  My struggles with jealousy go so much deeper than these types of things, though they can manifest themselves in that way as well. 

I've been able to identify a few of the roots of my jealousy:

Personal insecurity- I am often very jealous of other peoples talents and capabilities or the fact that others know their gifts of the spirit and have been blessed with a passion that they have been able to identify.  In fact, I can't even name a talent  that I feel like I have or something that I am passionate about that is of any consequence.  This type of jealousy has blindsided me from seeing how I could possibly be of any use to anyone other than my husband and children, including to God.  It makes me feel like I could disappear and it wouldn't change anything. I am afraid of being useless.

Deception-I think there are a lot of lies that I believe about myself...ie that I am not worth anything to anyone.  I also fall into the trap of believing that everyone else has this marvelous life that God just handed them; that God just GAVE them their gifts without personal struggles and that their passions just came naturally.

Covetousness - I get discouraged when I look at my life and see only the daily grind and I start to compare that to how other people live.  This person owns a home, this person doesn't have to worry about how they are going to pay for their groceries, this person has a job that pays enough...and on and on.
I think personal insecurity is the largest of all of my struggles. 

I found this verse to be very powerful:
This is what the Lord says -- your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: "I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river, your righteousness like the waves of the sea (Isaiah 48:17-18).

...If only I had paid attention to God's commands, my peace would have been like a river.  Wow...ouch...

My heart has so far to go.  It is discouraging some days.  I often cry out to God and ask Him to just give me all of the answers RIGHT NOW.  But I think He knows me best and knows my heart isn't ready.  So I am doing my best to wait on the Lord...to relinquish control and be content to find identity and joy in being his daughter.  I am working to give up my desire to have a talent and a passion and boy is it HARD!

1. I put my son to sleep at 6:45 tonight...and it isn't because HE was tired.
2. Nesting is already kicking in...which involves wanting to get rid of everything we own.
3. I am having major wanting-to-buy-a-house fever.
4. I called my laundry folding a success after I discretely put all of the dish towels and socks I didn't feel like folding back into the laundry basket.
5. I struggle to remember to take my prenatal vitamins daily but some how don't have difficulty flossing every single day.

And the worst of them all...
6. I am eating waffles covered in butter and syrup...in my bed...after already eating dinner...while watching The Biggest Loser.

Go me.

My mother-in-law gave me a little house warming present when we moved into our new rental. It has the following quote on it:


“The more you praise and celebrate your life…the more in life there is to celebrate.”

That couldn’t be more appropriate! If you read my last blog post, you know that I am actively seeking to find meaning and purpose in my daily life.  (If you have not read it, I'd encourage you to).  I am seeking to THRIVE and to find passion in simply living out my life for Christ.

It is such a blessing to have this quote displayed in my living room. It affords me the opportunity to check my attitude before I leave for work or as I sit with Elias in the living room.

Joy is infectious. Have you ever been around someone who is truly joyful? I am not talking about someone who is fake and who won’t admit when things are hard. But there are those who are uniquely optimistic about life and who can see good in anything. I want to be that woman. I have a dear friend who, through the transforming Christ has done in her heart over the years, embodies joy. I love being around her. I love seeing her smile and knowing that that smile is from deep in her heart. I desire that for myself. Brian and I often comment together that this friend is one of the most beautiful women we know and it has everything to do with how love and depth seem to radiate from within her. She is a site to behold.

Since my thoughts have been directed to the positive, albeit by force of will, I have seen such a difference in how I handle things. I am more patient with Elias, though it is still a major struggle and I have to constantly die to my long time friend, Anger. I have to continually tell myself that anger is not an appropriate first response when he is crying or won’t sleep. Maybe someday, it will come naturally, but for now, it is a choice I must make.

I feel as though I need to caution myself against allowing this to be temporary, as it probably at least somewhat correlates to the changing season. Spring always brings about more joy in my life, as with the hopes of an adventurous summer. But I want to commit to making that joy everlasting. I am looking for a practical study on joy (any suggestions are welcome).

Please be praying for me.

I love each one of you and am thankful for your friendship and love.

I read a quote today that both inspired and troubled me.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” –Mary Oliver

At my very core, I could feel both excitement and regret stir. Excitement for all the possibilities; regret for all the missed opportunities and wasted time. Above all, this quote inspired in me a desire to find something I can be good at and a desire to pursue it wholeheartedly. I’ve tried my hand at many things, ranging from piano to blog designing. I’ve yet to find one passion that evokes that sense of purpose in life. I have not found my niche, my slice of being.

I have so many talented friends. Tara is awesome with a sewing machine. While she isn’t playing O.T. or mommy, she runs a small business making fun winter hats. And then there is Jenn. She is so creative. She helps others express themselves through personalized blog designs…not to mention her personal blog promises to challenge you and to make you smile. My friend Becky is not only the nicest person you could ever hope to meet, she is also one of the most talented photographers.

I know teachers, bakers, singers…the list is endless. Though I do not know if these women feel they have found purpose in these things, I envy them. I envy that they know themselves enough to find a passion and have made something of it.

I feel stuck in a day to day monotony of my own creating. I once was a very successful student. It was my one and only identity, my one true passion and I was darn good at it. Unfortunately, life has not afforded me the luxury of being a perpetual student; nor would I have wanted that. It’s time to move on. Time to dream a different dream. Time to find new meaning in life than a 4.0 and graduating cum laude. I’ve lived that. It’s time to move on.

I do have passions but I can’t seem to make them into anything. I am not just speaking financially, though that would be nice. I find that I have many things that I am ok at, but nothing I am good or great at. Or, I know a lot about things that are not necessarily useful to others. For example, I really like cloth diapering. But what can I do with that? I suppose I could write about it (though I lack talent in that area) or advocate for it. But is there local interest in “how to cloth diaper” classes? Is there a need?

I also enjoy making announcements. But the market is saturated. So many work at home moms, whose creative genius puts mine to shame, jumped on that bandwagon years ago!

I cannot sing, act, dance, build, cook (well), sew or write. I was not created for these things. My Maker had a different goal- one I am still seeking to find, fulfill and understand. I am optimistic and am encouraged that, although I wish I had a “talent,” God’s work in me is not complete. I am not looking for anything cosmic…I am no Esther, Mary or Beth Moore. But I know that God has more for me than this- even if it is as simple as learning that this really is it and making more of it than I have been.

Over the years, in my quest to find an identity, I’ve lost sight of some things I know without a doubt I was created for.

To Exalt Jesus
To Edify the Church
To Share the good news

I was created to know God; to seek after Him in all things. I was created to praise and glorify Him even when I am cleaning up the 5th poopy diaper of the day or getting up for the 6th time at night for the 11th straight month in a row. God has blessed me with a son and a job as a nanny and all I’ve done is survived. I want to THRIVE. I want to make everyday things a chance to bring Elias and C closer to knowing God. Instead, I’ve been angry and bitter. I want to wipe noses to God’s glory!

As for edifying the Bride, I have no place or purpose. Though my mind is constantly on the broken, hurting and forgotten, my actions have shown nothing. I have no fruit. I am not living fully in the heart that God gave me because I am self seeking. I want to live fully in the heart for others that Jesus blessed me with. I want to love others deeply. I want to edify the body; even if it means that I am the ingrown pinky toenail of the left foot. I want a purpose there but I lack direction.

In all of this, I want to find beauty, adventure and purpose in the day to day. Yes, my heart longs for a passion; a talent. And maybe someday I’ll find one. But for now:

Lord, give me purpose and a passion in and for You. Let my life song sing to You. Give me joy in all things. Let me live fully in Your service while loving deeply. Help me to find beauty and meaning by daily living for You! Help my heart be content in the day to day adventures. Help me to find a passion that I can use to bless others as well as have fun. Help me to live this wild and precious life for You!

I've sat down several times with hopes of recapping 2010 but I just can't do it.  This last year has gone faster than any other year in my ENTIRE life and its just a little too overwhelming for this drama mamma to try to sit down and think of all the nice things I'd like to remember.  At least it is for the moment.  Maybe I'll get to it in a few weeks.Anyway, Brian and I went to Texas for Christmas to visit his grandma.  We had a wonderful time (pictures coming soon...when I find the camera).  Elias *ALMOST* got his two top front teeth for Christmas (they came in on the 27th).  And we managed to make a 13+ hour drive home and still have the gusto to move the next day...we like to pack things in around here.  Anyway, we are all moved and we LOVE our new place (more about that later).I just wanted to hop on and write down a few of my goals for the coming year:1. Make the bed every day.  No joke.  I figure if I can start the day with something productive like that, the rest of my day is sure to follow.2. Vacuum everyday.  With two dogs, I should really be doing this like twice a day.

3.  Read at least one book a month.  Might not be a big deal for some but spend 10 minutes with Elias, and you might understand ;) 

Well, that about sums it up.  I have a few other things that I am working on but I am not sure I am ready to call them goals or resolutions yet.

Some days I feel like a 13 year old. It is pretty pathetic actually. I've struggled all of my life with making friends and it hasn't changed now that I am an adult. Most of the problems stem from my lack of confidence, my over apologetic approach, my over zealousness for new and exciting things and above all, my sin (keep reading). All of these emotions and feelings get caught up in one big messy ball of "self." I am often too worried about how I am coming across to really see how other people actually see me and it has caused a lot of frustration on my part. That frustration, in turn, causes me to sometimes act like a 13 year old.


I’ve been thinking a lot lately about who I feel are my best friends in the world (other than my husband). Two wonderful, loving, amazing women come to mind. However, I’m not really sure that they would consider me their best friend, which is totally fine. It does not change anything. But the scared little 13 year old in me finds that really bothersome. That part of me sees things in a very immature way and often acts accordingly.

For example: One of these women and I have a mutual friend who I have struggled with how to relate to. I REALLY look up to this other woman but can’t seem to figure out how to connect with her or communicate well with her. It often leaves me feeling inadequate, frustrated and annoyed at myself. So that 13 year old in me got EXTREMELY jealous when I found out the two of them had gotten together. Sigh.

I’ve always struggled with pride but not in the usual form. I believe pride can be manifested in many ways. I struggle with a complete lack of confidence which is in itself a form of pride. I often try to pass it off as humility but when it is unhealthy, it is nothing more than pride. I believe when I refuse to accept a compliment, I am taking pride in my perceived lack of ability in whatever area I am being complimented. I am guilty of the sin of pride.

I’m pretty tired of that 13 year old. I’m praying for a changed heart. I’m going to accept that part of who I am is a friend who is jealous for your time (meaning I could spend a really long time with you if you’d let me). But I refuse to accept being jealous for any other reason. I refuse to think negatively about other women because I’m jealous of the attention they are getting, even if it is from people I wish would rather spend all of that time with me!

I’m going through a lot of self changes and am excited to see where God leads me in all of this. I write this post feeling encouraged that there is hope for even me! Thank you Jesus for being so amazing; for loving me more than any of my friends ever could; for being jealous of my time, even when I am in sin!

Today I am especially thankful for morning naps and a chance to get the dishes done without crying in the background! 

I've got many things bouncing around in my mind at the moment that I want to blog about but everytime I begin typing, my thoughts are overwhelmed with sadness.  Even now, I've typed an explanatory paragrapher and erased it over five times.  A friend of mine recently suffered a miscarriage and for whatever reason, I am overwhelmed with sadness.  This is not your typical "I'm sorry that happened to you sadness."  In fact, I cannot explain it.  I can only say that it is the same sadness that I am filled with when I open my World Vision magazine (which will bring me to tears in a matter of moments).  It is like a dark pit eating at my insides.

It is not a sadness that I myself can take credit for.  In fact, I believe it is a gift from God.  (Please know I do not intend to raise myself above anyone else, I am simply stating the fact that particular circumstances bring me to my knees in pain for other people).  I believe it is just a taste of the sadness that God feels for us.  A very small taste of the ache in His heart for His people.  I feel like I need to put this out there...for whatever reason, I feel I need to remind someone that God's heart is breaking for them.  That the creator of the ENTIRE UNIVERSE sheds tears when your heart hurts.  God does not ignore you.  God is not apathetic.  God is yearning for you to run to His arms.

This song is amazing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lD_pCr_Xrnc

I hit rock bottom emotionally today. There were moments, in the beginning of motherhood, where I felt worse; where the requirements of being a new mother seemed to be too much. But nothing has been as persistent as the emotions I am feeling today are.



To earn a little income, I took on caring for a 6 month old boy one to two days a week. Most days, taking care of two infant boys is fine. And although they are often fussy at the same time, I am usually able to make one of them content while I tend to the needs of the other. Not so today.


Elias has been very difficult as of late. Every time I attempt to care for the other boy (or do anything for that matter), he begins to scream and cry. He wants only to be held. And the other boy, although a well tempered little one, is teething and is therefore somewhat grouchy. Not to mention, today was the first time I’ve stayed long enough to have to put him to bed. For over an hour they tag teamed a screaming session. Thankfully, my husband agreed to come pick Elias up. Go figure, two minutes before he got here, they both finally fell asleep.


Anyway, I simply feel overwhelmed, exhausted and empty. I’m struggling in my personal relationships; struggling with being a mother; struggling with the fact that someone needs me 24/7. I do not usually need alone time, but since Elias was born, the only true alone time I have had was the two times I ran to the store to quickly pick up milk.


What is worse is, although I know these emotions are selfish, I cannot shake them. I do not want to be needed all the time. I want to be able to take a shower without being interrupted (I’ve had several 1 minute showers this week). I want to be able to use the restroom in peace. I want to be able to pet my dogs for longer than about 3 minutes.


I am short with my husband because I feel suffocated. I am short with my beautiful fur-babies because they desire something so very basic- love. I hate myself when I am like this. It is like I have sunk deep into the pit of my own needs and selfishness. In these times, I think of no one but me and that makes me angry. When I am consumed with these emotions, it is like I am in a deep fog. The crying bothers me in these moments but it is almost easier to listen to the screaming than it is to do something about it. How bad is that?!?


I understand that given the circumstances, anyone might break. Listening to two babies scream at the same time is enough to drive any one woman crazy, especially when one isn’t your own and you have no idea what to do for him/her. So, I will give myself a little grace. And to be fair, most days, I love being a mom. I love looking at my son’s face while I am holding him, even if that means the dishes don’t get done…again. But today was different. Today I just wanted to be Mindy again. Today I just wanted some peace. Today I wanted it to be all about me. Guess I have some learning to do!

Wow. A quiet moment. There have not been many of those. And instead of doing the many things on my to do list, or paying attention to my precious fur-babies (who are making it quite apparent that I am neglecting them), I am taking the inevitably few minutes that I have to myself to try and update everyone (all 7 of you :)


I returned to work this week after my 4 week maternity leave. It should prove to be interesting caring for two infants at the same time. However, I only work two days a week, which leaves me with plenty of time cooped up in the house with Elias. AND, although I am enjoying being a mother, I’ve found that that has left me with too much thinking time. Yes, the chore list is endless. However, it’s hard to do the dishes when your 4 week old cries every time you put him down. So, I’ve been chained to my bed, where I can feed him, change him and hold him. Even with the HOURS of TV shows and movies I’ve watched on Netflix to fill the time (I have not mastered nursing and reading at the same time yet), I’ve had too much time to think. This thinking has led me to some discoveries about myself that I can honestly admit I was happier pretending I didn’t know.

I don’t think Elias will give me the time to blog about them at the moment, as he is currently stirring himself after a short nap in the swing. And even if I did, I’m not sure I’m ready to put into words what I’ve discovered because I’m not sure I’m ready to change. Sure, I’d LOVE to change but I’m not sure I’m ready to put in the work that it’s going to take to get me there (which is even further evidence that I do, in fact, need this change).

Anyway, maybe none of that makes sense. But DUTY calls in the form of a soft cry from the next room.

For whatever this blog is worth,

I feel like I have been blogging too much these days; that if, in fact, I do have any readers out there, that my daily blog posts are getting to be annoying.  Who knows?!?  All I know is that I'm having fun!   

I am an avid reader of my friend Jenn's blog.  She is always inspiring me to be a better person.  I am often humbled by her honesty and authenticity, not to mention her charm and amiability.  I found this little gem through one of her recent blog posts and decided to write about it. 

I've written before about my new found mission, as I call it, to Love Deeply, Live Fully, Find Beauty and Have Joy.  After reading "Using One Word to Fight Your Spiritual Poverty in 2010,"  I was further convicted by the Holy Spirit.  Although I am finding significance in the first three mission statements, Love Deeply-Live Fully-Find Beauty, I am convicted most in the area of having JOY.  I believe the Holy Spirit led Amy to share with me her mission, being the first three, so that He could lead me to my purpose for 2010, which is to have JOY.  And that He gave me the other three to help me to acheive that purpose.   

My One Word: JOY

I have much to say about this but am just now beginning to understand what this will mean for my life this year and what changes I will have to make.  It certainly is going to be a challenge for this heart, prone to complaining and anger, to acheive.  I am so thankful that God hasn't given up on me.

Blessings,




P.S. The 365 Day Project: Day 6

Today I am finding joy in my husband.  I am so thankful for his love and friendship.

A friend of mine on facebook told me about the 365 day project, which is where people are challenged to take one picture a day for 365 days and then blog about it.  I think this is an incredible way for me to fulfill my new found mission in life, which is to Love Deeply, Live Fully, Find Beauty, Have Joy.  I believe visually looking for expressions of these four things will really help me to focus on them and to see life in a new way. 

So, I begin today! 

I'm not entirely sure which category I think this picture fits into, because I have a lot of feelings about it.  I don't particularly like my stomach and wouldn't normally post a picture of it ANYWHERE.  However, I wanted to start with this picture because not only is it an expression of the deepest love that my husband has for me (that he is able to look over my stretch marks and other faults and yet still think I am the most beautiful woman in the world) but it also is an expression of the adventure that my husband and I are about to embark on...parenthood.  If this is not living fully, loving deeply, finding beauty and having joy, I sure don't know what is.  Don't get me wrong, I am, indeed, terrified of being a mother.  But I know God's timing is perfect and that He will provide me with the all that I need to be to my child what s/he needs.

So, this may not be beautiful, but I am finding beauty, joy, fullness and love in this picture.  Not a bad way to start a 365 day project!

  *I cheated a little...we didn't actually take this picture today, but it came to mind and so I wanted to use it! I'll do my best from now on to take a picture a day and blog about it!  I many not be successful, but here is to the best effort I can give!