We decided that if we were not going to go camping, we wanted to hit up a few areas around Loveland that we do not spend a lot of time in.  One of the places both Brian and I want to get to know a little better is the Indian Peaks Wilderness area.  We always admire the peaks from Estes Park and thought it might be a fun way to spend one day.

Unfortunately, the information we found online was incorrect.  We drove all the way there only to discover that the road leading to the trail head was closed.  We were able to find a trail to hike called Sourdough.

After a quick picnic lunch that was a total and laughable disaster (children screaming, dogs pooping, food dropped, rain), we started out on the trail.  Elias had a complete meltdown and was obviously very tired but didn't want to sit in the carrier.  So I decided to try hiking with him attached to my front, thinking it might calm him down a little.  He fell asleep fairly quickly, which meant I had to hike downhill with him that way (which isn't easy).    The trail was down hill and lead to a beautiful river.  There must have been a storm recently because there were several trees laying over the path.  It was slightly amusing trying to climb over trees while keeping Elias asleep and not falling on my face.


Once we got to the bottom, Elias woke up.  We didn't stay there long.  Elias enjoyed the hike back up and did most of it himself.

Day 3 of our stay-cation was super fun.
We decided to meet up with Brian's parents after church to go to Estes Park and hike.  We had a picnic at one of our favorite picnic areas on the way up.

Then we hiked up to Fern Falls. 

Day 2 of our stay-cation was super relaxed and fun.

We slept in as late as our 2 littles would let us.  Then we made waffles, as is tradition. 

Then we picked up Ultra Grandma (what we call Elias' great grandma) and took her to the Swetsville Zoo.  This isn't an animal zoo but a local art exhibit of sorts that features dinosaurs and the such welded from old car parts and other metal objects.  It is fairly small but free and fun.

What a fun way to spend a Saturday.

Since deciding to rename the blog, I've been searching through old posts to find and delete any information I no longer wish to share.  And in the process, I've been both encouraged and disheartened to read what I've posted in the past.

I am encouraged because I am so much healthier emotionally than I was even just a year ago.  I am sad to recall just how lonely I was and how much sorrow filled my heart.  My Father God really has brought me out of who I once was.  I am SO thankful for His Grace and Love through it all.

Some things I've learned while reflecting back:

• I need people in my life.  I need people in my life who will tell me what is really going on in their lives.  I need this because, when it's not there, I can too easily slip into a very dark and lonely place.  One of the gifts that God gave me was a heart that feels others' every emotion; a heart that LONGS to share in both the joy and the sorrow of others' lives.  I love my gift of mercy.  I feel alive when I have this type of relationship with other woman.  (Let me clarify: Please don't read that as "I get joy from hearing other people's sorrow."  Its not like that). When I am not able to celebrate and/or morn with those I love, I feel isolated and alone.

• From that, I've learned that I need to actively seek out friendships.  Again, not because I just want people to fill this need in my life.  But because I want to have healthy friendships and a major side benefit is that I will be able to use the gifts that God gave me, which in turn makes me a healthier person emotionally and, thus, a better friend.  The last several years, I have avoided actively seeking these friendships because I was too insecure in who I was.  My insecurities have shackled me into a heart of selfishness and sorrow.  I want and need to be free in Christ from my insecurity.  Otherwise, I will just be swallowed up by my fears and sorrows again.  And when my insecurities come, as they will, I will choose to speak truth into my own life.   I will choose to hear the truth of the Holy Spirit.  Every time I hear the words, "you are worthless just like you've always thought you are**," I will choose to not just ignore it but to call its bluff.  And I will choose to fight for my friendships, even if I feel like I am worthless to those I love.

• I've learned that I place too much pressure on my husband to meet all of my emotional needs.  As I stated, I need people in my life.  I've placed my husband in a very difficult position by asking him to be my everything.  It is not fair to ask him to be my only adult conversation.  

...I hope I am not rambling.

Anyway...

I am sure that I could keep going but I have other duties to attend to...mainly a little boy with some piggy toes that haven't been counted in awhile.  Maybe I'll post again after I reflect a little more.

Thank you to all of my friends who stuck it out with me.  Thank you to everyone who prayed for me; thank you to everyone who read and commented on those blogs.  You are each a gift to my heart from God.

**Our couple's group is doing a Beth Moore study on insecurity and I can pretty much identify the roots of all of my insecurity.  I won't go into the details of the WHY but the root of all of my insecurity is that I want to be valuable to those I love.  I am afraid that I will someday be proven worthless, just as my heart has always feared.  What a sad thing, but at least I know what it is now!

My mother-in-law gave me a little house warming present when we moved into our new rental. It has the following quote on it:


“The more you praise and celebrate your life…the more in life there is to celebrate.”

That couldn’t be more appropriate! If you read my last blog post, you know that I am actively seeking to find meaning and purpose in my daily life.  (If you have not read it, I'd encourage you to).  I am seeking to THRIVE and to find passion in simply living out my life for Christ.

It is such a blessing to have this quote displayed in my living room. It affords me the opportunity to check my attitude before I leave for work or as I sit with Elias in the living room.

Joy is infectious. Have you ever been around someone who is truly joyful? I am not talking about someone who is fake and who won’t admit when things are hard. But there are those who are uniquely optimistic about life and who can see good in anything. I want to be that woman. I have a dear friend who, through the transforming Christ has done in her heart over the years, embodies joy. I love being around her. I love seeing her smile and knowing that that smile is from deep in her heart. I desire that for myself. Brian and I often comment together that this friend is one of the most beautiful women we know and it has everything to do with how love and depth seem to radiate from within her. She is a site to behold.

Since my thoughts have been directed to the positive, albeit by force of will, I have seen such a difference in how I handle things. I am more patient with Elias, though it is still a major struggle and I have to constantly die to my long time friend, Anger. I have to continually tell myself that anger is not an appropriate first response when he is crying or won’t sleep. Maybe someday, it will come naturally, but for now, it is a choice I must make.

I feel as though I need to caution myself against allowing this to be temporary, as it probably at least somewhat correlates to the changing season. Spring always brings about more joy in my life, as with the hopes of an adventurous summer. But I want to commit to making that joy everlasting. I am looking for a practical study on joy (any suggestions are welcome).

Please be praying for me.

I love each one of you and am thankful for your friendship and love.

I read a quote today that both inspired and troubled me.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” –Mary Oliver

At my very core, I could feel both excitement and regret stir. Excitement for all the possibilities; regret for all the missed opportunities and wasted time. Above all, this quote inspired in me a desire to find something I can be good at and a desire to pursue it wholeheartedly. I’ve tried my hand at many things, ranging from piano to blog designing. I’ve yet to find one passion that evokes that sense of purpose in life. I have not found my niche, my slice of being.

I have so many talented friends. Tara is awesome with a sewing machine. While she isn’t playing O.T. or mommy, she runs a small business making fun winter hats. And then there is Jenn. She is so creative. She helps others express themselves through personalized blog designs…not to mention her personal blog promises to challenge you and to make you smile. My friend Becky is not only the nicest person you could ever hope to meet, she is also one of the most talented photographers.

I know teachers, bakers, singers…the list is endless. Though I do not know if these women feel they have found purpose in these things, I envy them. I envy that they know themselves enough to find a passion and have made something of it.

I feel stuck in a day to day monotony of my own creating. I once was a very successful student. It was my one and only identity, my one true passion and I was darn good at it. Unfortunately, life has not afforded me the luxury of being a perpetual student; nor would I have wanted that. It’s time to move on. Time to dream a different dream. Time to find new meaning in life than a 4.0 and graduating cum laude. I’ve lived that. It’s time to move on.

I do have passions but I can’t seem to make them into anything. I am not just speaking financially, though that would be nice. I find that I have many things that I am ok at, but nothing I am good or great at. Or, I know a lot about things that are not necessarily useful to others. For example, I really like cloth diapering. But what can I do with that? I suppose I could write about it (though I lack talent in that area) or advocate for it. But is there local interest in “how to cloth diaper” classes? Is there a need?

I also enjoy making announcements. But the market is saturated. So many work at home moms, whose creative genius puts mine to shame, jumped on that bandwagon years ago!

I cannot sing, act, dance, build, cook (well), sew or write. I was not created for these things. My Maker had a different goal- one I am still seeking to find, fulfill and understand. I am optimistic and am encouraged that, although I wish I had a “talent,” God’s work in me is not complete. I am not looking for anything cosmic…I am no Esther, Mary or Beth Moore. But I know that God has more for me than this- even if it is as simple as learning that this really is it and making more of it than I have been.

Over the years, in my quest to find an identity, I’ve lost sight of some things I know without a doubt I was created for.

To Exalt Jesus
To Edify the Church
To Share the good news

I was created to know God; to seek after Him in all things. I was created to praise and glorify Him even when I am cleaning up the 5th poopy diaper of the day or getting up for the 6th time at night for the 11th straight month in a row. God has blessed me with a son and a job as a nanny and all I’ve done is survived. I want to THRIVE. I want to make everyday things a chance to bring Elias and C closer to knowing God. Instead, I’ve been angry and bitter. I want to wipe noses to God’s glory!

As for edifying the Bride, I have no place or purpose. Though my mind is constantly on the broken, hurting and forgotten, my actions have shown nothing. I have no fruit. I am not living fully in the heart that God gave me because I am self seeking. I want to live fully in the heart for others that Jesus blessed me with. I want to love others deeply. I want to edify the body; even if it means that I am the ingrown pinky toenail of the left foot. I want a purpose there but I lack direction.

In all of this, I want to find beauty, adventure and purpose in the day to day. Yes, my heart longs for a passion; a talent. And maybe someday I’ll find one. But for now:

Lord, give me purpose and a passion in and for You. Let my life song sing to You. Give me joy in all things. Let me live fully in Your service while loving deeply. Help me to find beauty and meaning by daily living for You! Help my heart be content in the day to day adventures. Help me to find a passion that I can use to bless others as well as have fun. Help me to live this wild and precious life for You!