Well, hello little blog of mine.  I've missed you.  And yet, I really haven't missed you that badly.  Mostly I've missed the relief I often feel when I pour out my heart and push publish.  It is almost a more concrete way way to offer up my struggles and to let go than to simply say it out loud or to silently struggle.  But, honestly little blog, I just haven't had the energy.

So, little blog, here is where I am at...

There is a part of me that feels so safe, so thankful that the valley we are going through isn't as hard as some are going through.  I have two separate friends who have family members recently diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.  One is getting married in the fall and her Daddy has throat cancer.  The other is one of the dearest families I know and Grandma has decided not to receive treatment for the cancer cells taking her life slowly.  I have friends who are years into fertility treatments, praying with EVERY little ounce of energy they have that God would hear their desperate cries and bless them with children!  Oh, how blessed I am.

And yet, my heart yearns for permission to break. I am so afraid that if people see me falling apart and broken, that I will be judged.  What we are going through is life changing for sure but, at least for now and by God's Grace, we have two beautiful and otherwise healthy children.  But I am scared.  I am afraid that Elias will have seizures the rest of his life; that it will impact his life, especially when it comes to doing the kinds of things kids find fun and fulfilling (sports, swimming, etc).  And I am afraid that people who are struggling with much deeper issues will see my lack of faith and will rightfully judge me.

And yet, I have been offered the most wonderful piece of love a friend could have given me right now.  I was falling apart at church this last Sunday.  A friend of mine (who was a missionary in Africa and has gone through all that you could imagine one would go through while living in Africa) followed me into the bathroom  where I went to cry and totally blessed me.  This is a woman who has been through so many hard things; who has followed God's calling and has suffered dearly for it.  She told me that I have permission to hurt.  She told me that the gift of suffering is that once you suffer dearly, you have so much more mercy for those suffering.  She told me that the gift of suffering is that you can understand what someone is going through instead of just have sympathy. She cried with me and she freed me from my guilt.  She lifted a weight off of my shoulders that has been there for years.  She gave me permission to feel, which in turn gave me permission to say to God that I don't understand, that I am hurt but that I give it all back for His Glory.

What an amazingly compassionate, discerning person she is.

So, dear blog, I am afraid.  I am weary.  I am tired.  But God will give me rest.  It is well with my soul.

Since deciding to rename the blog, I've been searching through old posts to find and delete any information I no longer wish to share.  And in the process, I've been both encouraged and disheartened to read what I've posted in the past.

I am encouraged because I am so much healthier emotionally than I was even just a year ago.  I am sad to recall just how lonely I was and how much sorrow filled my heart.  My Father God really has brought me out of who I once was.  I am SO thankful for His Grace and Love through it all.

Some things I've learned while reflecting back:

• I need people in my life.  I need people in my life who will tell me what is really going on in their lives.  I need this because, when it's not there, I can too easily slip into a very dark and lonely place.  One of the gifts that God gave me was a heart that feels others' every emotion; a heart that LONGS to share in both the joy and the sorrow of others' lives.  I love my gift of mercy.  I feel alive when I have this type of relationship with other woman.  (Let me clarify: Please don't read that as "I get joy from hearing other people's sorrow."  Its not like that). When I am not able to celebrate and/or morn with those I love, I feel isolated and alone.

• From that, I've learned that I need to actively seek out friendships.  Again, not because I just want people to fill this need in my life.  But because I want to have healthy friendships and a major side benefit is that I will be able to use the gifts that God gave me, which in turn makes me a healthier person emotionally and, thus, a better friend.  The last several years, I have avoided actively seeking these friendships because I was too insecure in who I was.  My insecurities have shackled me into a heart of selfishness and sorrow.  I want and need to be free in Christ from my insecurity.  Otherwise, I will just be swallowed up by my fears and sorrows again.  And when my insecurities come, as they will, I will choose to speak truth into my own life.   I will choose to hear the truth of the Holy Spirit.  Every time I hear the words, "you are worthless just like you've always thought you are**," I will choose to not just ignore it but to call its bluff.  And I will choose to fight for my friendships, even if I feel like I am worthless to those I love.

• I've learned that I place too much pressure on my husband to meet all of my emotional needs.  As I stated, I need people in my life.  I've placed my husband in a very difficult position by asking him to be my everything.  It is not fair to ask him to be my only adult conversation.  

...I hope I am not rambling.

Anyway...

I am sure that I could keep going but I have other duties to attend to...mainly a little boy with some piggy toes that haven't been counted in awhile.  Maybe I'll post again after I reflect a little more.

Thank you to all of my friends who stuck it out with me.  Thank you to everyone who prayed for me; thank you to everyone who read and commented on those blogs.  You are each a gift to my heart from God.

**Our couple's group is doing a Beth Moore study on insecurity and I can pretty much identify the roots of all of my insecurity.  I won't go into the details of the WHY but the root of all of my insecurity is that I want to be valuable to those I love.  I am afraid that I will someday be proven worthless, just as my heart has always feared.  What a sad thing, but at least I know what it is now!

Brian, Elias and I welcomed into our family baby girl
Selah Eden

on October 2nd, 2011 at 12:15 a.m.

To my sweet little Selah,

We are so happy to finally have you here and, yet, it almost doesn't feel real.

Your entry into the world was very different than your brothers. I hope this doesn't set the tone of your life; I have no intentions of constantly comparing you to Elias, but I was very surprised by how you decided to make your entrance. I expected that my labor would go much quicker this time but, girl, you gave me a run for my money! Not that I was in labor as long as some women are but even the midwife thought it was strange. I had regular contraction ALL of Friday night that led nowhere. They eventually went away. Saturday morning we went to visit your great-grandmother Edna in the nursing home. The contractions came back, more intense. We then went to Grandma and Grandpa's to celebrate Daddy's birthday with lunch. By this time, the contractions were regular and intense, so we decided to come home, fully expecting you to make your first appearance on October 1^st.

I labored the entire afternoon with contractions that ranged from 10 minutes apart to 3 minutes apart, depending on how active I was being. It was very frustrating not knowing if I was in true labor so we decided to have our midwife, Barbie, come over to check to see if things were progressing. At about 8:30 I received news that crushed me. After laboring all day, I was a mere 5 centimeters. Baby girl, I made it to 10 centimeters with your brother before Barbie arrived.  I never once cried out in pain while progressing with him the way that I did with you. This was a new type of pain, a new type of birth experience.  I was in tears. 

Barbie asked me to take a walk around the neighborhood to see if that would get things going.  It was obvious only minutes into the “walk” that that was exactly what I needed to jump start the labor.  I stopped more on that little stroll to work through contractions more than I actually walked.  We came back because I felt the need to throw up, though I never did.  I labored the rest of the night and it was the most excruciatingly painful experience of my life.  At about 11:50, Barbie checked to see if I had made any progress.  I was still only 7 centimeters dilated.  By this point I wanted to give up.  My body had had enough.  She offered to break my water, knowing that it might help the labor progress faster.  It worked.  I gave one push after my water broke at which point she asked me to get up so she could put something down on the bed.  I had a contraction while standing and she told me to squat through it.  I got down and could feel your head crowning.  I couldn’t believe it.  I said it out loud and by the time the words were out of my mouth, I had another contraction, pushed and your head was completely through.  I told Barbie and she thought I meant that I could just feel your head.  She barely had time to reach down and catch you after one more push.  You were pretty tangled up in your cord.  It was wrapped around your legs and arms several times.  She worked to untangle you and finally I sat down and she laid you on my chest.  Daddy checked and said, “It’s a girl!”  I couldn’t believe it.  I was so thankful not to have to push for an hour, like I did with Elias, after laboring all day with you. 

Barbie was perplexed as to why this labor lasted so much longer than mine did with Elias.  There was no definitive start time to my active labor since my contractions were all over the board.  And she could tell that this time was way more intense for me.  Maybe you were presenting differently?!

When I told my mom the meaning of your name, she said that you must have just been spending time pausing to reflect on God’s glory and that when you decided to come out, you just did.  I thought that was an appropriate way to describe my labor. 

You were born at 12:15 on October 2^nd, 2011.  You were 9 lbs and 1 oz, 21 inches long.  Both your head and chest measured at 14.75 centimeters.  You latched on right away and I can tell you will have no problem breast feeding once my milk comes in.

You are a squirmy little baby with a chunky face and legs.  You have a funny crease where your forehead meets your nose.  We are so in love with you!

Well, its not like I really expect Biscuit to come by his or her due date.  Which has left me wondering what I am supposed to do for my countdown...

Elias with his Great Grandmom from Texas.  Estes Park, Sept. 24th



And the other Furbaby- Fluke. 

I found this quotes on http://superchikk.blogspot.com/.

Wow…I needed that.  Thought other moms might find some inspiration in these wise words.

Welp, I'm 39 weeks pregnant and I'll be honest...my netflix has been on WAY TOO MUCH these days.  I am embarrassed.  I always *knew* I'd be the mom who never let my child watch TV.  Enter in an 18 month old and full term pregnancy.  Lately we've been watching these totally awesome shows:

Oh dear.  I'd love to be the mom who has all the energy in the world, taking Elias to the park instead of wasting an hour a day on TV but I just don't have it anymore. AND I HATE IT!  I need some toddler activity ideas for 18 month olds.  Every toddler list I've seen is meant for children who are at least 2 and can handle a little more structure...which is something Elias just doesn't do...at all. 

He loves to play in water outside but its a little chilly for that.  He likes walks, which we take when I am feeling especially fit and flexible! HA!  And finger painting hasn't been his idea of fun...yet! But otherwise, I don't have many ideas.

Any suggestions momma's?!

Elias is very...particular...when it comes to his food.  I've discovered some things that he feels pretty strongly about that I just think are HILARIOUS.

1.  String cheese must remain in the wrapper while he eats it.  It apparently doesn't taste the same if you take it out of the wrapper and hand it to him.  This includes the very end piece that he cannot get out of the wrapper.  If at anytime I attempt to remove the cheese from the wrapper, he throws a tantrum, blesses the dogs with his cheese and cries rather large crocodile tears.

2.  He has finally decided that he likes bananas.  However, like his string cheese, the banana pieces must come from a banana still in its peel.  I can take off a bite size piece and he will eat it, as long as its from the banana in its peel.  If I remove a large piece and try to give him one bite from the large piece, he throws a fit and won't eat it...even if the banana peel is in sight.  If I take the large piece and set it back on the banana peel, remove the same piece I tried to feed him previously, he will now eat it without delay.

Crazy kid.

1. I put my son to sleep at 6:45 tonight...and it isn't because HE was tired.
2. Nesting is already kicking in...which involves wanting to get rid of everything we own.
3. I am having major wanting-to-buy-a-house fever.
4. I called my laundry folding a success after I discretely put all of the dish towels and socks I didn't feel like folding back into the laundry basket.
5. I struggle to remember to take my prenatal vitamins daily but some how don't have difficulty flossing every single day.

And the worst of them all...
6. I am eating waffles covered in butter and syrup...in my bed...after already eating dinner...while watching The Biggest Loser.

Go me.

I wish I had something profound to say.  I wish I had words of wisdom, love and importance to share for Elias to read someday.  But I simply don't.  I am overwhelmed by it.  I am broken by all of the missed opportunities to show Elias love instead of impatience.  I am shocked by how little I remember.

I am sitting in our hotel room in D.C. (we are here for a work conference for Brian).  I can hear Elias breathing in the back ground.  This week has been very difficult.  An amazingly accurate reflection of the last year.  A week full of tears, screaming, laugher, smiles but very little inbetween.  In all of it, I can feel the love I have for him grow with every smile, every ounce of laughter, every gleam of discovery in his eyes and even in his needy cries. 

I feel more love in my life than I ever thought was possible.  And this love will only grow. 

Maybe I will have more to say when we get back and I have more time to think.  But for now, I am just going to enjoy the breathing I hear in the background.

I've got many things bouncing around in my mind at the moment that I want to blog about but everytime I begin typing, my thoughts are overwhelmed with sadness.  Even now, I've typed an explanatory paragrapher and erased it over five times.  A friend of mine recently suffered a miscarriage and for whatever reason, I am overwhelmed with sadness.  This is not your typical "I'm sorry that happened to you sadness."  In fact, I cannot explain it.  I can only say that it is the same sadness that I am filled with when I open my World Vision magazine (which will bring me to tears in a matter of moments).  It is like a dark pit eating at my insides.

It is not a sadness that I myself can take credit for.  In fact, I believe it is a gift from God.  (Please know I do not intend to raise myself above anyone else, I am simply stating the fact that particular circumstances bring me to my knees in pain for other people).  I believe it is just a taste of the sadness that God feels for us.  A very small taste of the ache in His heart for His people.  I feel like I need to put this out there...for whatever reason, I feel I need to remind someone that God's heart is breaking for them.  That the creator of the ENTIRE UNIVERSE sheds tears when your heart hurts.  God does not ignore you.  God is not apathetic.  God is yearning for you to run to His arms.

This song is amazing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lD_pCr_Xrnc

I hit rock bottom emotionally today. There were moments, in the beginning of motherhood, where I felt worse; where the requirements of being a new mother seemed to be too much. But nothing has been as persistent as the emotions I am feeling today are.



To earn a little income, I took on caring for a 6 month old boy one to two days a week. Most days, taking care of two infant boys is fine. And although they are often fussy at the same time, I am usually able to make one of them content while I tend to the needs of the other. Not so today.


Elias has been very difficult as of late. Every time I attempt to care for the other boy (or do anything for that matter), he begins to scream and cry. He wants only to be held. And the other boy, although a well tempered little one, is teething and is therefore somewhat grouchy. Not to mention, today was the first time I’ve stayed long enough to have to put him to bed. For over an hour they tag teamed a screaming session. Thankfully, my husband agreed to come pick Elias up. Go figure, two minutes before he got here, they both finally fell asleep.


Anyway, I simply feel overwhelmed, exhausted and empty. I’m struggling in my personal relationships; struggling with being a mother; struggling with the fact that someone needs me 24/7. I do not usually need alone time, but since Elias was born, the only true alone time I have had was the two times I ran to the store to quickly pick up milk.


What is worse is, although I know these emotions are selfish, I cannot shake them. I do not want to be needed all the time. I want to be able to take a shower without being interrupted (I’ve had several 1 minute showers this week). I want to be able to use the restroom in peace. I want to be able to pet my dogs for longer than about 3 minutes.


I am short with my husband because I feel suffocated. I am short with my beautiful fur-babies because they desire something so very basic- love. I hate myself when I am like this. It is like I have sunk deep into the pit of my own needs and selfishness. In these times, I think of no one but me and that makes me angry. When I am consumed with these emotions, it is like I am in a deep fog. The crying bothers me in these moments but it is almost easier to listen to the screaming than it is to do something about it. How bad is that?!?


I understand that given the circumstances, anyone might break. Listening to two babies scream at the same time is enough to drive any one woman crazy, especially when one isn’t your own and you have no idea what to do for him/her. So, I will give myself a little grace. And to be fair, most days, I love being a mom. I love looking at my son’s face while I am holding him, even if that means the dishes don’t get done…again. But today was different. Today I just wanted to be Mindy again. Today I just wanted some peace. Today I wanted it to be all about me. Guess I have some learning to do!

Wow. A quiet moment. There have not been many of those. And instead of doing the many things on my to do list, or paying attention to my precious fur-babies (who are making it quite apparent that I am neglecting them), I am taking the inevitably few minutes that I have to myself to try and update everyone (all 7 of you :)


I returned to work this week after my 4 week maternity leave. It should prove to be interesting caring for two infants at the same time. However, I only work two days a week, which leaves me with plenty of time cooped up in the house with Elias. AND, although I am enjoying being a mother, I’ve found that that has left me with too much thinking time. Yes, the chore list is endless. However, it’s hard to do the dishes when your 4 week old cries every time you put him down. So, I’ve been chained to my bed, where I can feed him, change him and hold him. Even with the HOURS of TV shows and movies I’ve watched on Netflix to fill the time (I have not mastered nursing and reading at the same time yet), I’ve had too much time to think. This thinking has led me to some discoveries about myself that I can honestly admit I was happier pretending I didn’t know.

I don’t think Elias will give me the time to blog about them at the moment, as he is currently stirring himself after a short nap in the swing. And even if I did, I’m not sure I’m ready to put into words what I’ve discovered because I’m not sure I’m ready to change. Sure, I’d LOVE to change but I’m not sure I’m ready to put in the work that it’s going to take to get me there (which is even further evidence that I do, in fact, need this change).

Anyway, maybe none of that makes sense. But DUTY calls in the form of a soft cry from the next room.

For whatever this blog is worth,

My Little Critter Elias,
Wow! I cannot believe that today you are 2 weeks old. I've sat down dozens of times to write this, only to be called back to you by little, needy cries. The last two weeks have not been easy but I fall in love with you more each and every day. You are such a blessing to me.

I want to share with you your birth story.

You were born on Sunday, March 7th, 2010 at 10:58 a.m. I woke up that morning at about 1:15 to back pain and stomach issues. I drifted in and out of sleep for the next several hours, getting up several times because the labor was making me sick. I wasn't sure if I was having true labor contractions, so I woke your father up at about 5:30 a.m. to start timing my contractions. They were about 5 minutes apart. I decided to rest more and eventually took a shower. After getting out of the shower, your Daddy decided we should call our Midwife, Barbie. I asked him to wait a little more time because I didn't want her to get here and tell me that I was only a few centimeters dilated (the news would have crushed me because I was in so much pain). He called her at about 9:00 a.m. She had to come from Fort Collins and so she didn't make it here until about 9:45 a.m. She expected that I would only be a few centimeters dilated because I was chatting with her when she got here. She checked me and to all of our surprise, I was ready to push! My water had not broken, so Barbie offered to break it. I agreed but when she went to do it, your head was in the way! We called your Grandma Marjorie to come over for the birth.

I began pushing at about 10:00 a.m. With the help of your wonderfully supportive father and grandmother, you were born only 58 minutes later. We had intended your Daddy to be the one to catch you but I needed his help sitting up to push you out. So, Barbie caught you and placed you on my chest. Elias, you were beautiful right from the start! You cried a little but I didn't even notice. All I could think was, "my baby is here." We didn't know yet if you were a boy or girl, so all I could say was "Hi, Baby." Your father cried. I was overwhelmed with happiness, fear and joy. I couldn't believe that you were finally here. Your Daddy and I finally took a moment to check to see if you were a little boy or girl. I was blown away. My little baby boy. Your Daddy cut your umbilical cord after it stopped pulsing. The rest of that day is a little bit of a blur to me. I lost a significant amount of blood. Barbie left a few hours later after the bleeding was contained.

We could not decide on a name for you, so you were Baby Hill for the first 30 (or so) hours of your life. Your Daddy wanted a Biblical name. He liked the names Elijah, Josiah and a few others. I wanted something a little more original. I looked up Elijah online and found that Elias is the greek version. After some discussion, we decided to name you Elias. Your middle name is Jacob, after my twin brother, Edwin Jacob.

There are so many more moments I wish I could remember but it has been a blur.

Here are a few things that I've cherished over the last two weeks:

1. your little sneezes
2. your cute yawns
3. your sweet little milk smile
4. the way you like to sleep with your arms up next to your head
5. one of your little cries you give when you are hungry
6. your snorts when trying to latch
7. when you open your eyes up really big
8 your chubby little fingers (that were long and lean when you were born)
9. the way you breath when you dream
10. the silly little grumpy faces you make

I wish I could capture these moments in a bottle to enjoy later. I cannot believe how quickly you are changing and growing. I feel like I cannot keep up. We have had some difficult times but I know it will get better.

I love you baby Elias!

Mommy