Well, hello little blog of mine.  I've missed you.  And yet, I really haven't missed you that badly.  Mostly I've missed the relief I often feel when I pour out my heart and push publish.  It is almost a more concrete way way to offer up my struggles and to let go than to simply say it out loud or to silently struggle.  But, honestly little blog, I just haven't had the energy.

So, little blog, here is where I am at...

There is a part of me that feels so safe, so thankful that the valley we are going through isn't as hard as some are going through.  I have two separate friends who have family members recently diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.  One is getting married in the fall and her Daddy has throat cancer.  The other is one of the dearest families I know and Grandma has decided not to receive treatment for the cancer cells taking her life slowly.  I have friends who are years into fertility treatments, praying with EVERY little ounce of energy they have that God would hear their desperate cries and bless them with children!  Oh, how blessed I am.

And yet, my heart yearns for permission to break. I am so afraid that if people see me falling apart and broken, that I will be judged.  What we are going through is life changing for sure but, at least for now and by God's Grace, we have two beautiful and otherwise healthy children.  But I am scared.  I am afraid that Elias will have seizures the rest of his life; that it will impact his life, especially when it comes to doing the kinds of things kids find fun and fulfilling (sports, swimming, etc).  And I am afraid that people who are struggling with much deeper issues will see my lack of faith and will rightfully judge me.

And yet, I have been offered the most wonderful piece of love a friend could have given me right now.  I was falling apart at church this last Sunday.  A friend of mine (who was a missionary in Africa and has gone through all that you could imagine one would go through while living in Africa) followed me into the bathroom  where I went to cry and totally blessed me.  This is a woman who has been through so many hard things; who has followed God's calling and has suffered dearly for it.  She told me that I have permission to hurt.  She told me that the gift of suffering is that once you suffer dearly, you have so much more mercy for those suffering.  She told me that the gift of suffering is that you can understand what someone is going through instead of just have sympathy. She cried with me and she freed me from my guilt.  She lifted a weight off of my shoulders that has been there for years.  She gave me permission to feel, which in turn gave me permission to say to God that I don't understand, that I am hurt but that I give it all back for His Glory.

What an amazingly compassionate, discerning person she is.

So, dear blog, I am afraid.  I am weary.  I am tired.  But God will give me rest.  It is well with my soul.

I am baffled with how to approach this post.  I have such a desire to share the eloquent and well thought out words that my heart desires to give voice but my mind is so very tired.  The last several weeks have left me feeling both incredibly blessed and incredibly insecure and hurt.

I feel like our little family of four is finally figuring it out.  Elias is figuring out what being a big brother means and is actually sharing with his sister (even if it is just to divert her attention from what he really doesn't want her to have).  I am starting to figure out how to manage all of this (most days) with a smile on my face and joy in my heart.

But I am also full of worry.  I am worried about the uncertainty of whether or not the family I've nannied for since before Elias was born will need me anymore after having a second baby.  I am frustrated and worried that I have not found a family to care for in the meantime.  I have set up 3 interviews; one of which was not a good fit, the other was a no call no show (who does that?!!) and the third had to cancel.  I want to trust in God's provision but I just don't see it.  I don't see how this is going to work.  Me working is not optional, unless having a food budget is optional...

I am scared because for the very first time, I've had to watch as one of my children suffered while I was unable to do anything for him.  Elias had a unprovoked seizure two weeks ago.  I had to watch as my son's body failed him and it was hard.  I feel so blessed that our children are both healthy and always have been.  I feel so blessed that I am not one of the thousands of mothers who visit the same hospital we will be going to watching my child suffer and/or die.  And I am not worried about going through the process of figuring this out.

I suppose I am grateful that God has blessed me with the opportunity to only surrender little bits of control at a time.  I let a little bit go when Elias learned to crawl.  I surrendered a little more when he began to walk and a little more as he learned to run.  But this is still hard.  I am oddly at peace with the situation and look forward to learning from this experience and understanding his condition better.

I refuse to surrender to negative thinking but I do have to face the reality that something major really could be wrong with the little boy who holds my heart.  And I need to come to a place in my heart where I can say, in spite of anything, "it is well with my soul."

I so deeply desire peace and feel called to have peace now more than I have ever in my life...and for right now, I have it.  But some days, it feels like chaos is just under the surface.  They say:

When it rains, it pours.

But I hope my response is, we need the rain anyway.