"Edwin Jacob Howard- Forever in the arms of the Lord"

I was born August 21st of 1987...two and a half months before I was expected. A few minutes before I made my way into this world, the lifeless body of my twin brother, Edwin Jacob, was taken from my mother's arm.

Earlier that day, my mother was feeling VERY ill. She was vomiting and having terrible stomach pains. She decided that going to the hospital was the best option. However, my family was poor and we certainly didn't have insurance. My mother sat in the jam-packed waiting room of that University Hospital in Santa Ana, Orange County California for over 6 hours without even once being seen by a doctor or a nurse, even though she was obviously VERY pregnant. Little did they know that my mother had been in labor this entire time and that my brother’s precious body was mysteriously losing life. Hours went by and finally they agreed to see my mother. It was too late.

My parents didn’t own a camera and were prepared to purchase a disposable in order to take a picture of Edwin for the memory. Maybe this sounds grotesque to you but it would have meant the world to me to see his curly hair and chubby checks, lifeless as he was. However, the doctors offered to take a picture for my family so they would not have to spend the money. This was NEVER done…to my hearts dismay.

I have to believe that God had a plan. My brother and I were a surprise. My mother was not planning on us and my family couldn’t afford to have more children. Two more children would have been a challenge. However, it is hard for me, to this day, not to hold a grudge against the doctors who ignored the needs of a mother-to-be and who broke a significant promise and never took the time to tell my family why my brother died.

In addition to their failures with my brother, they never took foot prints or hand prints of me. I think every child deserves to have their hands and feet inked for memories sake (in fact, I think it is the law). That would be a keepsake I would have cherished.

While my mother was pregnant, she had a dream that Edwin (or, affectionately, E.J.) told her, “Mommy, there is not enough room in here,” and, if I remember it correctly, he also told her that he was going to save me. I was the smaller child, I was less developed. Statistically, my brother should have lived and I should have died. I believe in my heart that my brother gave his life so that I could live. Maybe this is wrong, but I have to believe that God had a purpose for Edwin and that he did, in fact, have a soul.

I don’t know why I was thinking about this story today. Sometimes I have days where this is still really painful for me. I can’t explain it to you but I feel like something is missing in my life and I feel like that void is my twin brother. It is hard for me to explain it because I have never experienced it but I know it is there.

Thanks for reading even though this is sort of depressing. It is good for me to remember him and to think on it...