My Dear Sweet Biscuit,

On October 2nd of 2011 you changed my life forever.  You are the gift of a daughter that I have prayed my entire life for.

Happy {belated} birthday, boo.  We celebrated your birthday with family and friends on October 6th.  I was really happy with how your invitations turned out.  Though I will say, you were not very cooperative when I was trying to take your picture for this invitation.


So many of our friends came to celebrate your birthday.  In lieu of gifts, we asked that those who felt led make a donation to John and Lindsay to help them bring home who we hope will be one of your best friends growing up.  We don't know the little ones name, age or gender yet but we wanted to honor your birthday by blessing them in this little way.


Grandma M bought you two little dolls which you picked up immediately and carried around with you for the rest of your party.  It was very sweet.

My Beautiful Selah,

I can't believe you are already 11 months old.  The time is flying so incredibly fast and I can't keep up.

You are so lovely, Miss Boo.  You love to laugh, which always brings a smile to my face.  Your favorite things are your brother Elias, Major the Ferret, Veggie sticks and bath time.

You strongly dislike diaper changes, your car seat and taking naps.


You are a little easier going than Elias but you still enjoy a good tantrum, especially if someone takes something you want.


You say "boo," "yeah," "hurray," "mama," "dada," and "choo-choo."

You are practically running.  You started walking several weeks ago and it didn't take you but 2 weeks to get to the point where you would rather walk than crawl.

Your favorite book is Good Night Gorilla which you could read about 10 times in a row (pretty amazing for an 11 month old).  You can do the motions to If You're Happy and You Know It, which was your favorite song for sometime.

You do not sleep through the night but that is ok.

I love you, boo.  Thank you for being my little bit of sunshine.

Mommy

Well, hello little blog of mine.  I've missed you.  And yet, I really haven't missed you that badly.  Mostly I've missed the relief I often feel when I pour out my heart and push publish.  It is almost a more concrete way way to offer up my struggles and to let go than to simply say it out loud or to silently struggle.  But, honestly little blog, I just haven't had the energy.

So, little blog, here is where I am at...

There is a part of me that feels so safe, so thankful that the valley we are going through isn't as hard as some are going through.  I have two separate friends who have family members recently diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.  One is getting married in the fall and her Daddy has throat cancer.  The other is one of the dearest families I know and Grandma has decided not to receive treatment for the cancer cells taking her life slowly.  I have friends who are years into fertility treatments, praying with EVERY little ounce of energy they have that God would hear their desperate cries and bless them with children!  Oh, how blessed I am.

And yet, my heart yearns for permission to break. I am so afraid that if people see me falling apart and broken, that I will be judged.  What we are going through is life changing for sure but, at least for now and by God's Grace, we have two beautiful and otherwise healthy children.  But I am scared.  I am afraid that Elias will have seizures the rest of his life; that it will impact his life, especially when it comes to doing the kinds of things kids find fun and fulfilling (sports, swimming, etc).  And I am afraid that people who are struggling with much deeper issues will see my lack of faith and will rightfully judge me.

And yet, I have been offered the most wonderful piece of love a friend could have given me right now.  I was falling apart at church this last Sunday.  A friend of mine (who was a missionary in Africa and has gone through all that you could imagine one would go through while living in Africa) followed me into the bathroom  where I went to cry and totally blessed me.  This is a woman who has been through so many hard things; who has followed God's calling and has suffered dearly for it.  She told me that I have permission to hurt.  She told me that the gift of suffering is that once you suffer dearly, you have so much more mercy for those suffering.  She told me that the gift of suffering is that you can understand what someone is going through instead of just have sympathy. She cried with me and she freed me from my guilt.  She lifted a weight off of my shoulders that has been there for years.  She gave me permission to feel, which in turn gave me permission to say to God that I don't understand, that I am hurt but that I give it all back for His Glory.

What an amazingly compassionate, discerning person she is.

So, dear blog, I am afraid.  I am weary.  I am tired.  But God will give me rest.  It is well with my soul.